About 3 years ago, my partner was laid off from his position as a department manager at the W*orld's largest retail store W*hich shall rename nameless. After having W*orked there for nearly 9 years, he was given the pink slip and cut loose with an invitation to return to W*ork 30 days later, at minimum wage and W*ith no benefits (hopefully, you've gotten the clues by now as to which retailer I'm referring to!) Needless to say, he declined the offer to return, and we have since denied this retailer our patronage. If it wasn't bad enough, this lay off coincided with my need to leave my job so I could complete my student teaching and finish my graduate degree in teaching. My partner was able to receive unemployment, and I had family members who helped us financially. We also knew that once I finished my education, I'd receive a teaching certificate and and masters degree and be able to find work as a teacher and, thus, our financial problems would be solved. I took a risk and left my job to finish my education. In 2008.
As everyone who is alive knows, the last 3 years have been very difficult for those looking for work. This is true for those of us who are recent college grads as well. I have been trying to get a job as a full time middle or high school language arts or social studies teacher, but to no avail. Instead, I have had to rely on working as a substitute teacher, which brings home less than half the income I made working at my previous job. My partner has only been able to find part time employment. Thus, with our reduced income, our bills went unpaid, and our mortgage fell into default. Loan modifications were tried, but after 11 months of payments, we were denied based on supposedly missing paperwork. That's how a big bank functions: you give them a ton of money, and they refuse to work with you. Before we knew it, the bank was sending us warnings that we were over a year late on our mortgage payment, since our modification trial payments were less than our real mortgage payment. Foreclosure followed, at which time we started to look for a new place to live. In May we found a house to fit our needs and moved it, with the help of our friends. For months, our house has been listed as being auctioned off, only for the auction to be canceled. On July 29, the auction finally took place...with no bids, and the property went back to the bank.
Yesterday, I went to the old house to finish removing our property, knowing that we have 20 days to be out of there. When I pulled up to the drive way, I noticed that everything was gone. Curtains, flower pots, garbage....it was all missing. I tried unlocking the doors, but it was to no avail: the locks had been changed. I was locked out of my own house. A sign posted on the front window said to contact a realtor if interested in the property. After my partner got off work, he joined me at the old house. We took what little was left on the outside of the house that was ours, and bid our home of 14 years a final farewell.
Life is full of gains and losses. For my partner and I, the last several years have been full of losses. In the process of losing our home, I have made some poor choices in how I've handled it. In short, I've been extremely bitter about the whole mess. Yesterday, in the midst of trying to process the reality which was setting in, I found myself at our church walking our labyrinth. At the beginning of the path, there is a plaque welcoming people. I read that plaque and found words that are very comforting: "Remember to forgive...forgiveness is the key". As I walked that path, I had many thoughts about what I've lost. I had lost my job. My partner had lost his. We lost our financial means. We lost our insurance, and with it, our health care. We lost our retirement in trying to save our home. With my dad and his wife moving away, there is yet another loss. We had lost our cat to cancer. Our neighbor had just past away, so we lost her, too.
Then I started thinking about that quote: "forgiveness is the key." The key to what? I thought to myself. Happiness? Salvation? Eternal life, if there is such a thing? How could forgiveness possibly make this any better? It was then that I realized that it was my lack of forgiveness which has allowed me to become so bitter over the last few years. Did I have things to be bitter about? Absolutely. But what good comes from bitterness? What do I have to gain from feeling sorry for myself, and my partner, for all of the losses we have endured? Perhaps I've been focusing on the wrong stuff, here. When we focus on what we've lost, life can be a very dark place to exist. Instead, I started thinking about what we still have. We have our family. We have our friends. We have our church. We have our health. I have a renewed sense of getting healthy. We have our dog Lucy who loves us no matter where we live. We have each other.
If forgiveness is truly a key, then I have a new goal. It's certainly easy to be angry with a faceless bank for taking away our home, and it's very easy to be angry and resentful for people who are trying to destroy our family (a topic for another time). But I know for me, it has been easiest to look closer to home for placing blame and anger, bitterness and resentment. To begin achieving this new goal, I need to forgive that one person who I have been so angry at for allowing me to lose my home, lose my happiness, and become a 300+ pound overweight sloth. I need to look at this person square in the eyes and tell him "you're forgiven." And to find him, I need only look in the mirror.
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